I can’t even imagine how many humans out in this universe are using this poem to decribe their year but I am alright with being one of them. This book (Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur) helped me through a whole heap of feelings this last year. Feelings ranging from extremely sad to absolute joy. Luckily, the joy far outweighed the sadness. This poem is the basis for my sappy recap of 2018.
It has literally been one of the greatest and most difficult years of my life. In December last year when I made the final move to start travel nursing I was in a fairly low point. I decided to start traveling both because I had been trying to move out of the Midwest for eight years and because I was trying to escape. This was putting me far, far outside my comfort zone as I left my family and friends, who had become family, to start traveling solo. Mary Oliver wrote “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. ” It only took me about nine months to realize the gift I was given and I could not be happier about it.
I did learn that everything is temporary. I learned this in every sense of the meaning. I lived my life in three month increments creating an extremely temporary lifestyle. I am fairly easy going as it is but the way and time frame in which I have had to learn to adapt has been quite an experience. I am so thankful for all the good people in this world that took me in and allowed me to be a temporary friend in each of these assignments. It shed light on the fact that there really must be more good out there than bad and that is comforting to me.
I had so, so, so many moments of feeling sad and wondering what I was doing with my life. At the beginning and end of each assignment I have gone through an internal struggle trying to reflect on why I am doing this solo travel gig. These feelings were extremely temporary. For that I am thankful. All it took was one walk outside to see that the ocean was right outside my door, one hike in the rocky mountains or one warm day with flowers blooming in February to make me realize why I started this. The feelings of joy took over pretty darn quick 🙂
The idea of vulnerability to me was terrifying. It has always been terrifying. I have spent my whole life hiding what I am actually feeling or thinking purely because I have always been afraid of failing. I do not know why I am like this but this is how I’ve spent my life. I was always pretty decent at school without having to try hard and was always very naturally athletic, also without having to try hard. Things seemed to come pretty easy but if something wasn’t I would essentially shut down to hide my vulnerability. In December last year, I was told that I act like a lion but am really a kitten. I decided to actually take this to heart and reflect on some past things and came upon the realization that this is actually quite true. I decided at that moment to allow myself to feel emotions and also to display them (hence the crying at the airport). I started learning how to meditate and started practicing yoga a little more often in an effort to open my mind and my soul a little. With this new found ability to be open I am happy to report that I have failed more times this year than I ever have in my life. I failed every day at something different or even maybe the same thing but I failed nonetheless. However, this means that I have never, ever learned as much as I have this past year. My brain is actually exhausted from everything I’ve experienced and I think this is a really good thing. Allowing myself to be open and vulnerable is still a work in progress and probably always will be as it is natural to me to box things up and act stronger than I feel but at least I FINALLY came to realize what everyone has been telling me for 31 years.
Love. The vulnerability lesson opened me up to allowing someone in my life that I never saw coming. In fact, I was pretty set on doing my own thing for a long time. Turns out the universe decided to throw the greatest person I’ve ever known into my life in May. I’m actually crying as I’m typing this because he makes me so happy. Also, I’m glad he’s not home right now to see this. We were both at an interesting point in our lives and somehow decided to take a chance and see what happens. Eight months later here we are laughing a lot, learning a lot and adventuring a lot. There literally are not enough words to describe how lucky I feel to have met Brad and to have him in my life. I’ve learned so much from him it is insane. I learn from him every day and I can’t wait for everything that is to come.
Making friends out of strangers has become my specialty over the last year. I have been extremely fortunate to have met a handful of awesome friends along the way this year. I’m thankful for the travel nurse community. It makes sense that travel nurses sort of stick together. After all I’m sure it does take a certain kind of person to vagabond your way through a profession. That being said I am so lucky for all the awesome poeple that have entered my life and made a strange place, a new job and a (sometimes) lonely lifestyle feel so natural and comfortable. I’m also exceptionally lucky to have the best family and friends from home supporting me along the way. It has been so wonderful at times when I’ve felt alone. Never underestimate a solid support system that’s for sure.
I have been pondering this post for months as I have been reflecting on everything new I have done this year. It is probably impossible to list everything, or at least list everything I have done without losing your attention. When I was home last week my mom said she had been listening to a radio station and they asked the listeners what their top accomplishment was for the last year. I thought this was a really cool idea. It could be anything from small to big. With that idea in mind here are some of what I feel most proud of accomplishing this year:
- Getting the gumption to pack up and leave everything and everyone I’m comfortable with to pursue the unknown by myself.
- Traveling solo to Vietnam. This will forever be an experience I look back on as extremely life changing in a very positive way.
- Climbing to my first “real” peak. My body hates altitude. I felt like vomiting the entire time we were doing this but I made it. That being said, I need to learn how to deal with altitude considering I like mountains.
- Learning to be in the outdoors. Like, actual wilderness, not a forest preserve – this is a major work in progress but I learned enough while I was in Montana to be able to safely hike by myself in the White Mountains in New Hampshire.
- Hiking safely by myself! I have always loved being outside and I have always known I wanted to learn how to be outside and I couldn’t be happier about actually doing it!
- Allowing myself to cry. A lot. This sounds dumb but as stated before I’ve spent my whole life keeping things in. Flood gates are open, folks.
- Last but not least. I’m very proud of constantly putting myself outside my comfort zone and being open to all these new experiences that lead me to all my favorite accomplishments!
I hope all of you have some big and small accomplishments that you are proud of and as always, I highly recommend putting yourself outside your comfort zone as much as you can in 2019. So, here I sit in Portland, Oregon about to start what will most likely be my last travel assignment. While I encourage everyone to push the limits of their comfort this year, I very much look forward to finding a comfort zone and staying put for a while come April or May. We will see what happens.
Happiest of New Years to you all!
Cheers!
This was the best thing I’ve read in a long time!! Love you!!