Rave On

Charles told me, when that whole thing was coming to an end, that I was one of the purest people he had ever known. I never quite understood what he meant but had hoped that was a well intended comment. I think, maybe, I now understand.

The problem I have is no matter the person I genuinely like to think all people are good. This is not something I conciously do but more so that I don’t understand how a person can manipulate, decieve or do harm to someone else and not be bothered by it or care that they are hurting someone. I am pretty much a what you see is what you get type of girl. I don’t really play games and I am fairly blunt as far as what kind of person I am and typically, what I say is actually what I mean. Only after I am manipulated, decieved or hurt do I look back and realize that the whole time I just saw the good.

A month ago Brad facetimed me and gave me a bunch of incredibly irrational reasons as to why he thinks this relationship isn’t going to work. This was literally out of nowhere. I had just spent the holidays there and then he drove with me to Portland and we had a nice time etc. So he calls me and throws all this at me, I would say something in response and he pretty much dismissed anything I had to say and instead told me what I was feeling/thinking. He told me twice through the conversation that he needs to think about some things and maybe a little time would help. It got to a point where I was frustrated because he wasn’t listening to me so I told him I did not know what else to say and that he could go to bed if he wanted. Literally without saying a single word – no conclusion, no “I’ll talk to you at such and such time.” – and without even looking at me he leaned over and hung up. He didn’t even look at me, he was staring down and just hung up on me. And he has not talked to me since and ignored me when I tried to plan to fly out for an actual adult in person conversation.

To say I am devestated would be an understatement. In my last blog post I had talked about meeting the greatest person I’ve ever known. Here I am spending the better part of a year bopping around all happy and believing this person is a good human. I mean what an idiot I am. It is honestly beyond my comprehension how someone can do this to another person. How do you have an insanely great relationship and then not even have the respect or decency to talk it out or give my thoughts or feelings any consideration. Even if we had a face to face conversation and the outcome was the same, at least I would have been given the respect, the chance and possibly a conclusion. Instead I basically just got ghosted by my own boyfriend. This is probably one of, if not the meanest things anyone has ever done to me.

So this whole “pure” quality, I am feeling anger and resentment towards my self. I don’t know if you can resent yourself but that’s where I’m at. I had pretty much assumed I would be moving to Bozeman after this assignment. With or without Brad I am tired of moving right now and I think in light of what has happened it is probably best for me to stay put for a minute somewhere. I am attempting to just stay in Portland for a little bit. Survival mode kicked in and I can stay here and save some money until I decide what I want to do. I’m not really sold on Portland but I’ve got a lot of things I still want to learn mountaineering wise and there are so many groups and activities geared towards that since the mountains are close. So I figure I’ll save money and learn all the things I want to learn and try to figure out where I want to go.

I went rock climbing with a friend a few weeks ago and actually enjoyed it. It was challenging both physically and mentally. It’s like a game trying to figure out what to look for and how to climb the routes and I liked that. So I am actually taking lessons in a gym this week and will start practicing that a little more. The irony of this situation is unreal but whatever. It will be helpful in the long run anyway with being in the mountains. I’m finally taking down hill ski lessons this week as well by Mount Hood now that the Cascades got dumped on this weekend.

Anyway, I am going to disappear for a while as far as social media and things go. I feel pretty broken and defeated and I need to try to reset without the social anxiety that stuff brings. In addition to the fact that I do not want to end up spending absurd amounts of time on IG dwelling over everything when I should be doing healthier things. I am trying to train to climb a 14er this summer so I am working on doing all the physical activity to somewhat prepare myself. The one nice thing about being stubborn. I was told that we can’t bridge any gaps as far as outdoor recreation goes. Despite the fact that I moved out of the midwest to pursue this sort of lifestyle, have spent the last year learning, practicing and plan on continuing to do so. But clearly I am incapable of understanding the joys that come from such activity.

Before I sign off. I do have to say that I completely recognize the fact that my life is good and I have the best people in it. On more than one occasion I had friends literally book a flight and fly out here within hours of finding out what happened. They came out to keep me company and distract me. I am extremely humbled by this and still can’t even believe how amazing that is. My mom just visited as well. For all of this I am eternally grateful. That all being said, I haven’t really told anyone about what happened because I didn’t even know what was happening. I’d say after a month of silence it’s safe to assume.

Catch you guys on the flip side.