On more than one occasion today I barely avoided pummeling full force into a cement wall with my car on various Portland roads. The sky could not have been more blue, no clouds in sight. I am unsure if my mind has been persuaded by the media and the air around Portland is less polluted right now or if it was just an exceptional day. Either way, all I know is that the reason I kept hurtling towards cement walls can be blamed on the view of the mountains being so clear it was as if they were fake. I could see all the way up to Mount Ranier, all the way south of Mount Hood and every tiny detail in between. There were hills I hadn’t seen before from my normal mountain views throughout the city. I just kept screaming outloud, in my car, “IT’S SO PRETTY!” “STOP IT!” “WHAT IN THE HELL!?” “WHY CAN’T I BE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN RIGHT NOW TO FULLY APPRECIATE THIS!” With no one to share my excitement with I decided to write a blog post. So, you’re welcome.
I just finished a book called The Names of the Stars by Pete Fromm. Pete actually grew up in Milwaukee and then moved to Montana for college. This particular book chronicles a month long job he took in the Bob Marshall Wilderness – northwest part of MT. He was in the wilderness a month by himself, staying in a forest service cabin and his only job was to monitor the progress of graylings hatching as they were trying to repopulate the waters with these fish. Through the book he reminsces about his experiences and what lead him to need the mountains and the wild, needing it even when he has a wife and two sons at home. So he tried to pinpoint a few key moments. In reading this I sort of did my own self analysis. Also, really what else is there to do except self analyze at this point?
I was riding my bike home the other day and thought how funny it is that at 33 years old it is like I found my “home” of sorts. I suppose I truly discovered it at 31 when I had my travel assignment in Montana. When I tell people that I have only been skiing for two seasons, or just started climbing since moving to Portland, or have only been hiking/camping/backpacking for two years they seem suprised and then ask why I am just now beginning. A lot of these conversations happened on the chairlifts at the mountain this winter. Countless times I have explained that I grew up in a suburb of Chicago and then lived in Milwaukee and we did not travel much growing up. These types of recreation were not exactly in the forefront of flatland midwest.
When I left Milwaukee to start travel nursing I was leaving for a few reasons. One was to try and figure out where I wanted to live. The second was to discover the “real” outdoors. On my bike ride I started to reflect on what made me want to do this when the most mountain experience I had at that time was some extremely hungover 200ft walk to a lake in Rocky Mountain National Park years ago. I barely even remember it because I was trying not to get carsick the whole time. That being said I have always been active and always loved being outside. I was usually the last one in the pool growing up and throughout my years in Milwaukee I spent every second I could outside (when the weather cooperated) whether it be at the beach, on a porch, countless kayak trips or biking and running along the lakefront. I remember when Charles and I were dating I was constantly making him go on walks and there were multiple “hikes” I made him do. Looking back it is somewhat humorous. I dragged him to a lakeside park one January to go hike around when it was literally negative degree temperatures, so cold that Lake Michigan water was completley frozen over – I think that was the winter vortex year. When we went to visit Andy in Virginia, we had set out on a hike and a big black bear was walking same direction we were and not too far off. The bear saw us and ran off – I wanted to keep going saying it was totally fine, he bolted for the car. I was constantly at the beach, riding my bike around town or sleeping on the grass with a roll of toilet paper at Bayshore Mall trying really hard to be rugged. You see. Even though I was not near mountains I tried my hardest to be outdoors 🙂
I have always sort of been a “city” person and I think a lot of that is because that is what I knew. I still enjoy cities but my priorities and interests lie far outside them now. I am constantly struggling with how many interests I have. It is like I am always stuck between two people. The person who really enjoys the symphony, the theater and great museums and the person who honestly could not be happier not showering for 5 days, being filled with dirt but out in the wilderness. It appears, after two years, that the dirtbag is winning out. My whole dream right now is to own a cute little home near some mountains and have a few goats. I went for a trail run today and was doing a quick stretch afterwards at the end of the trail. I was folded over stretching and just rubbed my hands in the dirt as much as I could just to feel it again. This is the type of person I am. I am the type of person who is SO UPSET because the snowpack has been amazing in the mountains this last month and I can’t ski. I couldn’t go trail run up to my favorite spot to watch the sunset and alpenglow the crap out of the mountains tonight. Every day I imagine finding the most excellent spot to camp next to a rushing river and having chats with the universe when the sun goes down. Have you ever chatted with the universe? I did that for the first time when I went to Crater Lake in the fall while I was unbelievably depressed. I sat on a picnic table, stared up and talked to the stars. Turns out it is very therapeutic.
These are little victories but I am excited about them nonetheless. I have started to be able to recognize different plants/trees/shrubs/lichen. Whenever I am hiking or on a trail run I try to pay attention and identify as much as I can and recollect any details I have about them. I can also identify different types of clouds and what they mean as far as weather forecasting goes and also the reasoning behind their current formation. I can look at trees and know which way prevailing winds are and therefore what direction I am facing. This winter I started to get more familiar with snowfall/snowpack. I am a work in progress. Pete Fromm – the author of the book I mentioned was 45 when he wrote that book and his plethora of wilderness knowledge was built over the course of his lifetime but particularly started at the age of 18 when he moved to Montana. So, based on that I figure I’ll be knowledgeable enough to go live in a forest service cabin by myself for a month by the time I am 60. But, you know, it’s all good.
It has been amazing actually seeing spring here in Oregon. Last year at this time I was not in a good place and I left Oregon for my month hiatus after my travel contract ended. Being in a much better headspace, I have actually noticed spring here. It is honestly unreal. Beginning in February trees started to flower and it’s like it has been a two month concert of flowers. Every week a new color and new flower bloom somewhere. I feel like I am living in a fairyland. The last two weeks have been summer like and now all the trees are leafing and everything is so many different shades of green. I do feel lucky that I have been able to witness this show. I am hoping the lockdown does end by May because that will be just in time to head into the hills to see the wildflowers doing their thing.
That is really the only reason I wanted to write a blog post. The mountains were just so pretty today I could have cried. Speaking of crying – anyone else been doing a lot of that during lockdown? The other day, I cried watching a video of this cat named Duck. She only has her hind legs. Her front ones were amputated when she was super young but someone rescued her and it was too cute for my brain to handle. I showed it to Mandy and Chris and they cried too so I feel good about that. This morning I watched a video of a black bear climbing a tree in Yosemite and started tearing up. The bear just seemed so happy!! And then later this morning it started raining and I started crying because it made me think of sleeping in my tent listening to the weather and how that is all I want to be doing. The vulnerability is REAL right now and also a little bit hilarious.
Well. I wish I could real life chat with someone who would understand and be as psyched as I am about the outdoor things I just rambled on about but in the meantime throwing this post out into the world will have to do.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Sending some good vibes out there.
