Since moving to Portland I have not been keeping up with my blog. I sort of lost the joy and excitement of writing the posts. I am unsure when, or even if, the want to write on a consistant basis will return but I am hoping it finds its way back sometime soon.
Throughout all my blog posts I have maintained a level of transparency. I told myself I would do this while writing in an effort to keep my mind open but also to fully portray how my life is going away from home. Speaking of which, I can not believe that come January it will be two years since I left the midwest already. Time, man. It is a crazy thing.
About three or four weeks ago something happened that brought forth some sort of epiphany. Oddly, I can’t even remember what was going on at this moment I just remember the feeling. I think it was when I was in Olympic National Park. I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness (more so than I have been experiencing the last eight months) and realized how exhausted I felt. Whatever this moment was it was like my own body and mind were shaking me telling me to listen to myself. At this point, it is almost as if every feeling and thought that I had been ignoring since January decided to flood in and take up residence in my entire body and soul.
Since that moment not a day or minute goes by that I do not feel almost debilitatingly fatigued. I wake up every morning, open my eyes and my immediate first thought is that I can not wait to go back to sleep. There is a lingering sadness that no matter how many tears I cry, hills I run, walls I climb or veggies I eat, it will not go away. I go to work or go out socially and feel so sad because I am not being myself and it makes me sad to think that people are seeing such a weird version of me. Actually, they have probably been seeing a weird version of me since January I just didn’t necessarily think about it. And I have this gnawing pain in the center of my chest. If I take a deep breath it alleviates it for about a minute but otherwise it is always there (anxiety?).
So, at that moment in Olympic National Park I came to the realization that I may be depressed. I am unsure because I have literally never felt this way but I think it might some version of depression, or something. Either way, it’s the most unwelcoming and uncomfortable experience. I honestly can not imagine those who work through these kinds of issues on a daily basis for life. For me, I think – eh, I know, this all started in January and since then has sort of spiraled downwards and taken on a life of its own. Since January I have been working my three days and then immediately leaving Portland to go explore. In a completely healthy state of mind I would probably have done this as well but this time it was both for pleasure and an escape. I realized I was trying to escape back in July, a month or so before I realized everything else.
I do not like Portland. Actually, I do not like Oregon. As a place to visit it is beautiful but I don’t belong here. I am about 100% sure I am having extreme difficulty transitioning to a “permanent” lifestyle from the travel nurse lifestyle. Even though I only traveled for a year and a half I was moving every three months and exploring all these places, going to a new country every three or four months and now here I am staying put in a place I do not feel home. Though this place is temporary as well it is still a transition that I think I am not handling well – based on the fact that I work and run. As dumb as this may seem I am still grappling with the idea that someone left my life with no conclusion and clearly no remorse or need to take another person’s feelings into consideration. I forced myself to go on a date and hated every minute of it so that was the end of that. The thought of putting any of my trust or energy back into another person and having the same thing happen is terrifying. I look at myself and it is like I don’t even know who I am. I look terrible, my eyes look distant and I have constant dark circles. I don’t really remember the last time I smiled or laughed and truly, genuinely meant it.
So, I have been forcing myself to workout, forcing myself to get back into meditation, forcing myself to eat strictly healthy (except today when my friends and I are doing our own Oktoberfest) and forcing myself to be social. None of this is helping at all. So I have now forced myself to find a therapist. And also a primary care doctor in hopes of chalking all of this up to a bunch of lousy B12 and iron labs. The latter is probably not the case or at least not the entire reason but a girl can hope.
I went to a sound bath last night. This was my second one and I absolutley love them, highly recommend them to anyone even those that are happy and do not have anything to work through. They are amazing. I woke up this morning feeling the need to write all this and force myself to be transparent with this as well. It was easier being transparent with relationship difficulties etc but this was the hardest. Most likely because it took me eight months to even be fully transparent with myself.
Despite all this I have had an AMAZING summer of exploring the PNW. I have seen so many beautiful places and was able to do a few thru hikes that I wanted to check off my list. I managed to do some climbing outside. Hike to a few peaks and hit up three National Parks. Finally made a few friends (who by the way if any of you Oregon people read this for whatever reason – you all are great, this whole depression is a personal issue :)). Anyway, I have done some great things but as this god forsaken rainy season starts I am going to try to hunker down with a therapist and filter through all this emotional garbage, try to dig myself out of this depression or whatever it is and come out on the other end. Hopefully sooner rather than later I will be my happy self again. It is honestly emotionally draining being a downer. People keep asking me why I don’t move out of Portland/Oregon. I feel like I need to be more stable before I decide where I truly want to end up. I have a feeling of where I want to go but a lot can happen between depression and happiness. So who knows.
Alright. That is enough. Felt therapeutic to type all this out though. I have a farmers market to hit up. The mountains are getting snow right now and I’m very excited because I am heading down to Crater Lake tomorrow or Monday. So I am looking forward to seeing it with snow. Also hopefully this means a good ski season – I need all the practice.
Catch you guys later.
You are dearly loved Jen.