You Know What 2019 had? THE AUDACITY.

The title of this post is compliments of a meme I saw on Instagram one day. I have no idea who I owe the credit to but good work whoever you are! This very accurately and bluntly puts my thoughts on 2019 into a nutshell.

Before I begin my New Year’s montage I am going to briefly revisit my last blog post. It was sort of sad as I was feeling sort of sad. I can’t even believe what I’m about to write as it has almost been A YEAR since this relationship ended but here we are. Since the last post, Brad and I exchanged multiple words, and by words, I mean texts because he still refuses to speak to me. Anyway, our last exchange was like an epiphany for my brain. I won’t get into details because what is the point but what he said to me and the way he was “acting” was exactly what I needed. It confirmed that he literally has no idea what it means to have another person on the opposing end of a relationship. No empathy whatsoever. My brain felt like it was being unchained from almost a year of self destructive thought loops. I couldn’t believe the immediate relief I felt. I had eczema all over my hands since the day after we broke up. The morning after this exchange my eczema started to clear up and is now almost gone! I feel happier and the debilitating fatigue has evaporated. I genuinely smiled for the first time since January. I can actually pin point the exact moment I smiled and surprised myself because I realized it was a genuine smile. Kind of sad. I will continue to struggle with the emotional consequences of having something like that happen (compounded on top of how my last few relationships ended), the absolute mistrust I have for pretty much everybody right now and some serious low self esteem. BUT! Sweet, sweet relief. Thank goodness, because feeling that low for 11 months was awful.

So. It has been brought to my attention that a decade is coming to an end. A few weeks ago, I decided to write down some of my most memorable moments from the last ten years. Turns out, a lot happens in a decade. I managed to start and end a first career. Take a chance, quit my job with no notice and go back to school for nursing and my Master’s. I started and ended three serious relationships. Ran a marathon, multiple half marathons and a Ragnar. Moved away from the Midwest. Lived in four different states. Visited countless others. Traveled solo to a few countries and had company for a few others. Lost a grandmother. Watched most of my friends get married and have children. I learned how to ski. I learned how to rock climb. I learned how to be outside – a continuous work in progress but considering two years ago the most outdoor experience I had was walking through a forest preserve in Wisconsin I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Despite all of this, my most favorite moment of the decade can be traced back to 2014. In a nice little place called Sochi. It was the summer Olympics and Bob Costas managed to contract DOUBLE pink eye and carried on hosting the games with zero bothers. He could barely see, his eyes were constantly draining but he persevered. He even took a shot of vodka on live TV in hopes of it helping his situation. He eventually had to call it quits (or maybe the network made him get off TV) but my goodness it was glorious. I don’t even care how creepy it is, that event has provided me with so much entertainment that I keep a screenshot of Bob during this time on my phone so I can retrieve it at moments notice. And retrieve it I will. Thanks for the memories, Bob.

” …but feeling in my bones the emptiness of ease, knowing how reliably common actions lead to common results. I began traveling, I think, as a way of seeking identity, or at least of embracing the estrangement I felt from my native conditions.” This quote comes from Matthew Crompton. He is the author of a short story from the book The Soul of a Great Traveler. I highlighted this quote last year as I was making my way through the text. It perfectly articulates how I feel about never leaving a place, never learning more and never understanding the vastness of the world. My second favorite moment of this decade, and probably will remain one of my favorite lifetime memories, is my decision to solo travel to Vietnam. This trip was planned with another person and when that fell through I cancelled my flight. Months went by and I began to consider how can I let this opportunity pass when it is a place I have wanted to visit for so long? Why couldn’t I go just because I had no one to go with? The idea morphed into a goal I just needed to do for myself. I wanted this cultural experience, to be able to plan it myself and to be safe. The trip is something I will never really be able to describe to anyone – although easier to those who have been to Vietnam. But it was one of my greatest accomplishments so far. Much to my family’s dismay, it also happened to be the catalyst to my now never ending solo adventures. The confidence and knowledge I inherited from traveling solo to a country where I could not speak the language and is so unique culturally is something I will never take for granted. A few weeks ago one of my patients, after listening to my travel stories, told me “you know you are a rare one, right? Don’t ever lose your independence.” She then asked if I ever wanted to get married or have a life partner. I told her there is honestly nothing I would love more than to have my person to share all this with. But I told her I also refuse to let these opportunities escape me just because I do not have that person yet. I’ve said it a million times but I wish everyone could have the courage to travel solo, even just once, even if it is just to another state. With that I end this favorite moment with an Anthony Bourdain quote that I also keep on my phone as it is the epitome of how I feel about traveling and immersing yourself into another culture. “If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food, it’s a plus for everybody. Open your mind, get up off the couch, move.”

My third favorite decade moment was my decision to throw caution to the wind, quit my job and go back to school for nursing. I did this unknowing if I would even like nursing. Turns out it was one of the best decisions I made and, aside from the crippling student loan debt I now have from two degrees, I could not be happier with my career path. I enjoy it so much that I am planning on going back in the next year or two for my DNP. However, career happiness aside, I will be forever grateful for the group of friends I came away with from this program. I am unsure what higher being decided to put a bunch of weirdos together in a graduate program but some of my most favorite people and best friends resulted from those three years. In addition, I have been gifted the opportunity to do what I love while traveling and getting paid to do so. I was able to see so much of this vast, beautiful country in the last couple of years. Through traveling I have had the pleasure of building friendships all over the US, something I find so unique and fun. So, without further ado – I end this moment with one of my favorite photos from graduation night, with a few of my favorite people, outside our favorite Milwaukee bar. 🙂

The following are a few other decade favorites that I wrote down but will not elaborate on and in no particular order:

1. finishing a marathon 2. TBOX (only the few people who were there in 2013 with me will understand the absolute hot mess of a day this was, but it was probably one of the funniest days/nights)

3. Cubs World Series win and being in Chicago at Murphy’s Bleachers. I have pretty much fallen off the sports train since moving away but this night was just the best. Not solely because of the win but because of the experience with the entire city of Chicago. 4. Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center in NYC. This had been on my bucket list FOREVER and I am so happy to have seen it in person last year. 5. Mountain Goats. Honestly I can’t get enough of these furballs. I also keep a screenshot of a mountain goat on my phone. I’m a loser. I know. 6. Moving out of the Midwest and discovering the mountains. I’m obsessed (as you can all tell from my photos) and I’m pretty sure there is no turning back. So much fun! Endless learning opportunities! 🙂

As far as 2019 is concerned…despite the fact that I was probably depressed 11 of the 12 months I had quite a year as far as travel and learning goes. Most of you have all seen my photos so I will not rehash it now but, once again, I have managed to be humbled by another year of beauty and transformative experiences. This not only includes my adventures out in the wilderness but also those in other countries, states and the amazing humans in my life. I did not do much writing in 2019 and most of my photos are of the outdoors so following are a plethora of pictures taken doing some pretty awesome things with the people I love

Bill Giebler wrote in his short story The Tea in Me – “But presence, a simple word and a simple act (or non-act), is so difficult to achieve – all the more so when palpably dissatisfied and restless.” At this point it is no secret that I am not enamored with Portland. Although I have come to gather several very good friends and for them I am very thankful. However, in addition to the emotional tangled mess I was/am working through the ever present feeling that I am an outsider here has certainly taken it’s toll. I have tried everything under the sun to be present this year and to say I have failed miserably is an understatement. I can honestly say the only time I am ever truly, absolutely present at this time in my life is when I am climbing. It is an ever welcomed respite. That being said, with my brain now being unchained I have been able to appreciate the PNW a little more and am continuing therapy to slowly but surely capture my old self back. I will gladly be slamming the door on 2019 and so look forward to ALL the adventures 2020 can throw at my face!

As always, I encourage everyone to step the fuck outside their comfort zones this year and go do something great. Set a goal and for the love of god achieve it. Also, go learn something new. I mean really learn it. Not from your phone or computer but go out into this absurdly colossal world, to far-flung corners of this earth and fully absorb all the crazy knowledge everybody and everything is offering up!

See you guys in 2020.