Author: admin

The annual New Year blog post I have become so fond of over the last four years. I can’t believe it’s been almost four years since I left the Midwest. Wild!

I must have blacked out for most of the year, because as I sit here diving into this I can not seem to remember any event that happened other than the 60 mile backpack trip around the Three Sisters in Central Oregon. The only reason this probably immediately pops into my brain is because I have yet to deal with the trauma that was my feet on that journey.

It has been snowing in Portland for the last several days. Each of these days I have walked into my patient’s rooms in the morning and, in what I could imagine is an annoying sing song voice, asked if I could open their blinds because “It’s snowing! It’s so beautiful outside this morning! The trees are covered in snow!” I leave their rooms and laugh to myself thinking that my patient’s probably think I am so obnoxious. It feels nice though, to be back to my happy, weird self. This is how I know my time in Portland is coming to an end. I have done the work and I am back.

2021 did not feel very different than 2020. Except it seems or feels like we are becoming more polarized as a nation and world. At least in 2020 we were all cheering each other on, banging pots and pans at 7pm, watching Tiger King together, having Zoom parties, throwing art onto streets/walls/lamp posts as a sign of light. 2021 felt angry and tense. The politics, vaccines, continued restrictions and mental exhaustion from the last two years appears to be overwhelming the mental health of the world. I personally do not see a light at the end of this quite yet – perhaps I am not alone in this feeling?

In 2019 I did a top 10 list of my favorite moments of the decade. I feel like 2021 could use a top 10 list for the year. A little cup of cheer:

• 10. Angry Bernie Sanders sitting in his chair at the inauguration in January. The teacher who knits the mittens he was wearing is probably a millionaire now.
• 9. Elon Musk, Richard Branson and Jeff Bezo’s space race – HILARIOUS when you actually think about these people. Do you know what we could have done with this money? Most likely could have bought the entire continent of Africa vaccines and sent these three over to administer them.
• 8. My cousin ending up in the ER on his wedding day because of kidney stones. He had to leave mid photo session, the rest of us carried on and had to act casual at the reception. He somehow managed to get drugged up, take photos and have cake in the ER with Kate and then comeback and dance through the entire reception. Well done, sir.
• 7. All the current CDC tweets regarding the shortened quarantine period. I really feel like this might be the thing that brings us all back together.
• 6. Chris puking up short rib onto a window sill, in her wedding dress, at the wedding table after all of us bridesmaids took a shot. She’s going to have two books in her life – one will be titled Pizza Sauce on the Steering Wheel (as has been planned since I can remember) the other will be Short Rib on the Window Sill
• 5. When Steve from Blue’s Clues rose from the tv grave after a million years and gave us all a shoutout and told us all how proud he is of us.
• 4. Nina and I pretending we just got married and were celebrating our honeymoon in Leavenworth. We even got matching “Wifey” shirts made. All just in an attempt to get a free bottle of champagne, which we did not get.
• 3. The sequel of Sex and the City coming out, really made my life.
• 2. The joy of experiencing carrying pounds of my own poop down a mountain after summiting it. I had no idea this was going to be what went down and you really haven’t experienced type 2 fun until you have to smell your own shit on a 90 degree day for hours as you come down a mountain.
• 1. I think we can all collectively agree that the OBVIOUS single greatest moment of 2021 was Britney being freed. #freebritney

I think I’ll leave it at that.

At the end of January I am heading to Peru and Ecuador for another solo world adventure. I will be gone until March. After that I plan on coming back and most likely will start travel nursing again. I finally feel back to myself and it is time for me to make my next move. From the second I step foot in Portland I knew it would be temporary. I didn’t realize I would be here for 3 years but it has certainly served its purpose and I’ve met a lot of good friends, had a lot of great (and not so great) experiences. Portland and Mount Hood got me through one of the toughest times of my life, so there’s that. At the beginning of 2021 I made the goal of wanting to take a year to travel the world before I figure out where I want to be and probably start going back to school. So, here I go! ….again! I am going to start travel nursing again in April, will try to take shorter contracts and then plan to travel the world for a few months in between each contract! I figured I am not attached to anyone or anything, I am healthy and able bodied so why wouldn’t I take this time to go for it!

Several months back I made a World itinerary, so I plan to loosely follow that as I want to be in certain places of the world at certain times of the year. This blog will once again become my nomad diary.

Happy New Year, everyone! Catch you all on the flip side of this globe!

J

Ps Here are some photos because I was too busy taking trips to order Christmas cards this year! Enjoy!

My dudes. It has been a very long minute since I’ve graced the blog with my presence. Last night after work I felt the inward draw to type up this experience I’ve had for the last two and a half years. It is regretfully not a story revolving around a fun adventure I have recently embarked on but rather a personal experience that I only just came to recognize as an issue. An issue that snuck up on me but something that has roots.

Since end of December I have been complaining about feeling like a blimp. I had been feeling so bloated all. the. time. I was also extremely fatigued all. the. time. My skin looked awful, the skin under my eyes were always black (more black than usual), then sometime around March I started to notice that my gums would spontaneously bleed. I would be out running or driving or grocery shopping and they would just start bleeding. I thought this was odd but also really did not do much about it. Beginning of June I did a training hike over in the Gorge. I was supposed to be summiting Mount Hood and this particular hike closely mirrors the 5,000+ foot elevation gain in 5 or 6 miles that I would have been doing on Hood. After this hike I got home and while washing my hands looked at myself in the mirror. The person looking back was quite shocking – my face was extremely pale, my under eyes were so black it honestly looked like I had been punched. For some reason this scared me enough to take a deeper look into what was going on with my body.

Turns out I had been starving my body for well over a year and a half. Then, it turns out that basically since I’ve moved to Portland I have had unrealistic body expectations for myself. This stemmed from a breakup and things that were said towards the end of the relationship in regards to how my body look versus other people’s bodies. I hadn’t really thought much of it at the time but realized recently how often I think about the comments that were made and how much they actually affected my body image. These thoughts and expectations of how I should look managed to just become a part of my daily routine and programmed themselves into my thought loops. Without intention I have become an extremely self conscious individual lacking confidence in my looks. I have felt SO ugly, fat and unlovable for almost two and a half years. How wild is that!? At one point my weight was down to 149 pounds – which for me is insane, I don’t think I’ve weighed that since beginning of high school. Even at that weight I remember still looking in the mirror every day at my stomach disgusted with how I looked.

Then, last year when the pandemic hit and quarantine went into place and I was off work for almost two months, I refused to gain weight. So I cut more calories and worked out three times a day. My body became used to doing grueling workouts on no calories. I got to a point where I ran 15 mile trail runs in the mountains without eating prior to or during. I would only eat afterwards. I saw myself become thinner and loved it. Once my body got used to this I just kept eating this way. For the last year and a half, on average, I was eating around 900 to 1000 calories a day AND intermittent fasting. I would often go 16 to 20 hours without eating. Then I would eat very minimal calories between about noon and 5pm and then stop eating. I did this all the while maintaining my high level of activity. During the winter months I usually skied for four hours straight – no water, no breaks, no food. Then I would usually climb or do cardio on those days as well. In January when I started to feel so puffy I was extremely frustrated. I could not understand how I felt like I was gaining weight when I was eating next to nothing and doing literally hours of activity per day.

Fast forward to end of May of this year. My friend, Nina, and I went to Leavenworth, where I continued to complain to her about my body (she has had to listen to me complain since December). She saw me eat a bowl of fruit and a plate of veggies before we went on a fairly difficult 8 mile hike. She had mentioned to me before that I probably was not eating enough and my body was most likely holding on to fluid and fat in an effort to essentially survive. In addition, I had seen an old coworker post a photo on instagram talking about not being in a calorie deficit for too long because of health effects it can have on the body (hormone imbalances, thyroid issues etc). About a week after our trip I had some sort of epiphany, I don’t even remember what at this point. But the whole concept of not eating enough started to make sense. I looked back at what I had been doing since 2019 and realized she was probably spot on. I work 12 hour days, I usually work out on my work days and then have seven days off every other week where I absolutely wreck my body with activity…and here I am trying to survive off 900 calories so I can have this thin body that I thought I needed in order to be loved and to love myself.

I finally recognized that my body had changed since January as well. I had skied so much that my thighs and glutes became way more muscular versus when I was just doing straight cardio and had very little developed muscle. I have also been rock climbing way more consistently and my shoulders, back and arms are extremely developed because of that. It has been very hard for me to accept my body for all its strength and muscle. I look at myself and just see a whale of a human. I have started to add 200 calories a week back into my diet and what do you know, my gums have stopped spontaneously bleeding. I also feel better and my weight has gone down. I do not weigh myself, I stopped doing that in undergrad because my body builds muscle so fast that seeing numbers on a scale go down was not really a thing. I can tell by how I feel, how I look and how clothes fit. I have gone from eating 900 – 1000 calories a day to 1800 a day. For my activity level I should be eating about 2200 per day so I have some work yet.

I am also working very hard on accepting my body and how it looks. I am never going to have a flat stomach, I think I would have to have surgery in order to have a flat stomach, my body naturally carries weight in the low belly area (which is infuriating but something I am trying to get over). I am also trying to accept the much more muscular version of myself. My huge butt, my huge thighs (I am getting used to my thighs rubbing together, the last two years I was small enough where they didn’t rub together), my muscular arms and huge, muscular and broad shoulders. The mind is a tricky thing. All these muscles I have now are all muscles I have been working on for years to develop and gain this strength and yet here I am hating myself for it and hating how I am not petite or slender.

In an effort to get my confidence back, over the last few weeks, I have forced myself to wear crop bras and bike shorts or leggings when I go on bike rides or like today, I wore a crop bra to the climbing gym – fully aware that when I started climbing and getting in weird positions my body fat would be exposed. But, I went for it and felt fine. And honestly, I see other women who are larger or curvier than I am wearing these things and I genuinely think they look beautiful. In total transparency, I am often times jealous of their confidence. But then I see myself in the same clothing and hate every inch of myself. Wearing clothes that expose me a bit more has actually helped. I realize that no one cares, no one is looking at me and judging me.

Finally, I am working again towards getting my mental confidence back. Now that I realized I let actions and comments destroy my self confidence I am working towards fixing my mind. I feel like the best part of me, prior to all of this, was my confidence and my feeling of self worth. In an effort to not beat myself up over how silly I have been or how much I let this get a hold of me, I am trying to recognize the positives.

I am unsure why I feel the need to type this out, maybe it is therapeutic for my own mental health. Nonetheless, here it is in the open. Portland, it has been a wild ride of emotions, depression and self discovery. When I leave this city next year I am going to have to remind myself of the good friends I’ve made, beauty I’ve seen and all that I have learned while I have been here because it has NOT been an easy couple of years my friends.

Cheers to positive body image and being a badass chick.

J

Below are a few photos from the archives of cool stuff in 2021

I was on the last quarter mile of my sunrise trail run at Chimney Rock in Capitol Reef National Park and was cruising on the descent. I heard and saw two people coming up the trail, it was pretty windy so I only caught a few words at a time but I definitely heard “so I rolled up a bunch of toilet paper for you incase, you know.” The woman saw me coming down but the man did not because the sun was in his eyes. He finally saw me as he started talking about pooping, he looked up at me saying “you didn’t hear that.” I stopped to let them pass but told them “hey…we’re all out here doing it!” They both agreed and then we proceeded to have a nice sunrise chat about morning poops. This conversation following one of the best sunrises I’ve seen in my life was honestly the best start to a day. If any of you saw my instagram, this is the same day I devoured an entire pie and ate dinner next to a lizard. The actual best day. Oh and the day that I got to poop in some bushes without the overhwelming fear of someone watching me. I also did not have to poop in a bucket this day. Overall, a major win. And if I can figure out how to translate my pooping in the desert stories onto this blog I will definitely do that because it was a new experience for me.

My roadtrip was probably my favorite trip I’ve done right after Vietnam…so far. Many, many more to come. I had planned on using those few weeks off to go to Croatia and Slovenia and was obviously bummed when the pandemic took my plans in a different direction. However, I have to say I might be forever grateful. There is probably a zero percent chance that I would have ever taken 14 days to meander through Utah and every second of it was better than the last. Except Zion. If I never go to Zion again that is fine by me.

I won’t rehash the entire trip as it is impossible to explain the beauty, joy and happiness that I scooped up through that experience. I have a travel journal in which I plan out my adventures and then when I am on said adventures I use it to write down my thoughts. The thoughts from this trip were too huge for a journal so at each park I jotted down a few of my takeaways and I think that is what I will do here.

The community involved when on adventures like this is perhaps my favorite part. I was alone but I never felt alone. I met different people every day on the trails or en route to my next destination. The energy is palpable. Everyone is SO psyched to be out seeing these beautiful places with their people that talking with each other most likely resembles children on Christmas morning. I had walked through this narrow gorge and up to these water tanks (which turned out to have no water because it was so late in the season) and a group popped up not too long after I got up there and we all just started talking at the same time about how amazing the view was and how crazy it is to think that this much sand is so high up etc. I felt like I was in an adult playground for two weeks.

Each night I would roll into wherever I was camping just a bit before the sun went down. My first night in the desert I was nervous because I am a super light sleeper and I have never heard something so silent as these deserts and canyonlands. Turns out, by 8:45pm EVERY night it was completely silent. I realized that we are all out here doing it. Getting up before the sun to start a day of activity, return before sundown for a quick meal and hop into bed to repeat. Honestly the biggest nuisance to my sleep was the moon being too bright and I somehow always managed to position my car so that my bed was facing the moon’s trajectory. And if that is my biggest complaint, I’m sold. I was also nervous that by the end of 14 days I would despise living out of my car. Quite the opposite. I got back to Portland into my tiny home and couldn’t sleep the first night because I was inside, no moon, no open windows right in my face, no cozy, tiny nook of a bed. I miss it still! When I started travel nursing my favorite lesson I learned from it was how few belongings I actually need. Even just after two weeks of living out of my car, I realized how even FEWER belongings I actually need. It prompted me to go through the belongings. I do own and donate items I haven’t touched or no longer need. I can’t recommend this enough. If you want to feel free, own just enough things to fit into a car. A real release for the soul.

My mindframe entering into this little excursion was less than ideal. The smoke had been so bad in Portland that the air quality was literally the worst in the world for about a week straight. It was at this same time that I was so graciously being ghosted by a dude. I am usually active outside in some capacity on the daily and even more so if I am feeling sad, upset, anxious etc. So when I was feeling this way and could not go outside because of the smoke I just turned into a big old dumb mess. Having a major pity party, going down the super fun road of “what’s wrong with me that people can drop me like I’m nothing”, low self esteem, and just sort of a general break. My relationship life is becoming somewhat of a comedy at this point. But anyway, my trip forced me to sit with my feelings and turns out, I am pretty cool. I also discovered that I am actually very happy. I am also awesome. I’m unsure why these guys I choose to waste my time on have zero regard for other human’s feelings but I think I have to accept the fact that I will never know. I would never do any of the things these people have done so it is something my brain can in no way comprehend and that is what I have the hardest time with. It isn’t even that the relationships don’t work out it is trying to grasp the idea of dropping someone like they are of no value. So! In light of my happiness and my awesomeness I am going to try and shine on, like a crazy diamond. I think the fact that I solo travel and dirtbagged it for two weeks, trail ran a bunch, rock climbed, fished and hiked my way through 6 national parks and 1 national monument is pretty sweet. 🙂

Let’s revisit the pooping in the desert before I end this post with a list. So. Prior to my embarquement I was looking up BLM sites via the free camping platform. I was reading the review on one of the spots and someone mentioned “absolutely no waste here, pack out your own.” The only areas I have ever camped in have been forested and so everyone just goes off into the bushes/trees etc and goes for it or if you have to poop, dig a hole and then go for it. I looked up portable toilets as I was in a slight panic that I had no portable toilet and I was leaving in two days. Turns out, in pretty much every BLM site I had hoped to stay in was located in a “wash.” I had zero idea of what a wash area even meant so I had to google that. Perhaps most of you know this but incase, a wash is an area in the desert where if it rains this becomes a total flash flood zone and basically becomes a river. First of all, NERVOUS. So, excellent, if it were to rain in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping then it is goodnight forever. This also explained the portable pooping. If everyone staying on these lands did their business ON the land, when a rain comes sweet lord, imagine the massacre. I just pictured so many turds afloat this rushing rain water and ending up all piled…somewhere. Yikes. Unfortunately, I worked the following two days after discovering that I would need something to go to the bathroom in. I figured I could just stop at a sports store somewhere in Idaho or Utah before arriving in the desert. I did not do that. My mom, back in probably grad school or earlier, had bought me this cute little polka dotted basket to use as a garbage can for my car. That super cute little polka dot basket also serves well as a toilet. Now. The tricky part of this whole ordeal is that staying in the desert means there are basically zero trees, potentially quite a few sage brush depending on where you are but that is about it as far as coverage goes. One night I came screaming in to the top of this mesa where I had planned to camp for the night. There were about three or four other van lifers up there when I pulled in and I ended up in the middle. The area is huge so none of us were close to eachother however, it was a mesa – super flat, suuuuuuper barren. My bladder was ready to burst upon arrival. I hopped out realizing there was literally no where for me to hide. The van lifers at least had large enough vehicles to hide their buckets or had bathrooms inside. Here I am rolling up in my crosstrek with a polka dotted garbage can. I ended up somehow waiting until the sunset, and then the damn moon was so bright I might as well have just gone with the sun up. I also woke up in the morning before the sun rose (which I had planned to do anyway) to poop because there was no way I was letting any of these folks watch me poop into a polka dotted basket. And so it goes that this charade went on daily for most of my trip. In Bryce and Zion I ended up staying in a national forest and then up at a reservoir all of which were forested and not in wash zones and man, I have never been so happy for trees in my life. And that’s all I have to say about that. Oh. And the polka dotted basket lived a good life and I really sent it off with a bang but it is somewhere at a garbage dump entering into an afterlife. RIP.

I am going to conclude this post by transcribing word for word the few thoughts I had jotted down from each park.

• Arches
• the desert is an amazing place
• it is incomprehensible to fathom how the rock and land in southern Utah came to be. there are no words to describe how beautiful it is.
• i’ve considered never going back to Oregon multiple times per day so far on this trip.

• Capitol Reef
• whoever misses out on sunrise at Chimney Rock is an idiot. which is a lot of people because i was the only one at the top/on the trail.
• so beautiful it made me tear up
• people were so friendly here!
• the sun is a killer in the desert
• the colors and formations at this park…insane

• Bryce
• it’s 1730 and some animal is making loud noises somewhere behind me in Dixie Nat’l Forest – so if someone finds me dead i blame it on that animal- though there’s a 98% chance it’s a cow.
• i saw some instragram influencer and her husband out on some point in the canyon today. they’re everything that is wrong with the world and why you can only take social media with a grain of salt. she was legit frolicking, leaping in the air in a white dress while her husband ran after her and crawled (no joke) taking photos. their one or two year old son sat in their backpack carrier, facing away from them staring at a phone…
• chatted with a couple who work at the park. they live in an RV and work the national parks in the summer and live in florida in the winter. the conversation started with the husband coming up to me to talk about his sandwhich and tell me how good powder peanut butter is. i love this
• there’s a bee that won’t leave me alone
• i finally washed my feet…oh! i officially turned into a chaco trailrunner today!

• Zion
• this place is a ZOO! and has me on time constraints and a schedule. RUDE.
• I can’t catch any damn fish.
• i’m cold but too lazy to roll the windows up.
• i completed my “trail run in each national park” agenda today! i ran watchman’s trail to complete it!
• angel’s landing was not scary. i mean you are definitely dead if you misstep but it was not scary.
• there’s some neurotoxic bacteria in the virgin river. still did the narrows.
• the rocks and cliffs i saw at zion today, so huge, so sheer.
• i need to learn how to change a tire.

That’s all folks. Last words of wisdom. You haven’t lived until you have traveled solo (in some capacity) and feel what it is like to sit with yourself, to get to know your own soul and the depths of it and the joy that comes from it all.

That being said. I got back into town, showered and within two hours was at my friend’s house for a bbq and drinks because solo travel also makes you realize how important human contact and connection is and the value of having an excellent network of friends to come back to is not lost on me.

On more than one occasion today I barely avoided pummeling full force into a cement wall with my car on various Portland roads. The sky could not have been more blue, no clouds in sight. I am unsure if my mind has been persuaded by the media and the air around Portland is less polluted right now or if it was just an exceptional day. Either way, all I know is that the reason I kept hurtling towards cement walls can be blamed on the view of the mountains being so clear it was as if they were fake. I could see all the way up to Mount Ranier, all the way south of Mount Hood and every tiny detail in between. There were hills I hadn’t seen before from my normal mountain views throughout the city. I just kept screaming outloud, in my car, “IT’S SO PRETTY!” “STOP IT!” “WHAT IN THE HELL!?” “WHY CAN’T I BE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN RIGHT NOW TO FULLY APPRECIATE THIS!” With no one to share my excitement with I decided to write a blog post. So, you’re welcome.

I just finished a book called The Names of the Stars by Pete Fromm. Pete actually grew up in Milwaukee and then moved to Montana for college. This particular book chronicles a month long job he took in the Bob Marshall Wilderness – northwest part of MT. He was in the wilderness a month by himself, staying in a forest service cabin and his only job was to monitor the progress of graylings hatching as they were trying to repopulate the waters with these fish. Through the book he reminsces about his experiences and what lead him to need the mountains and the wild, needing it even when he has a wife and two sons at home. So he tried to pinpoint a few key moments. In reading this I sort of did my own self analysis. Also, really what else is there to do except self analyze at this point?

I was riding my bike home the other day and thought how funny it is that at 33 years old it is like I found my “home” of sorts. I suppose I truly discovered it at 31 when I had my travel assignment in Montana. When I tell people that I have only been skiing for two seasons, or just started climbing since moving to Portland, or have only been hiking/camping/backpacking for two years they seem suprised and then ask why I am just now beginning. A lot of these conversations happened on the chairlifts at the mountain this winter. Countless times I have explained that I grew up in a suburb of Chicago and then lived in Milwaukee and we did not travel much growing up. These types of recreation were not exactly in the forefront of flatland midwest.

When I left Milwaukee to start travel nursing I was leaving for a few reasons. One was to try and figure out where I wanted to live. The second was to discover the “real” outdoors. On my bike ride I started to reflect on what made me want to do this when the most mountain experience I had at that time was some extremely hungover 200ft walk to a lake in Rocky Mountain National Park years ago. I barely even remember it because I was trying not to get carsick the whole time. That being said I have always been active and always loved being outside. I was usually the last one in the pool growing up and throughout my years in Milwaukee I spent every second I could outside (when the weather cooperated) whether it be at the beach, on a porch, countless kayak trips or biking and running along the lakefront. I remember when Charles and I were dating I was constantly making him go on walks and there were multiple “hikes” I made him do. Looking back it is somewhat humorous. I dragged him to a lakeside park one January to go hike around when it was literally negative degree temperatures, so cold that Lake Michigan water was completley frozen over – I think that was the winter vortex year. When we went to visit Andy in Virginia, we had set out on a hike and a big black bear was walking same direction we were and not too far off. The bear saw us and ran off – I wanted to keep going saying it was totally fine, he bolted for the car. I was constantly at the beach, riding my bike around town or sleeping on the grass with a roll of toilet paper at Bayshore Mall trying really hard to be rugged. You see. Even though I was not near mountains I tried my hardest to be outdoors 🙂

I have always sort of been a “city” person and I think a lot of that is because that is what I knew. I still enjoy cities but my priorities and interests lie far outside them now. I am constantly struggling with how many interests I have. It is like I am always stuck between two people. The person who really enjoys the symphony, the theater and great museums and the person who honestly could not be happier not showering for 5 days, being filled with dirt but out in the wilderness. It appears, after two years, that the dirtbag is winning out. My whole dream right now is to own a cute little home near some mountains and have a few goats. I went for a trail run today and was doing a quick stretch afterwards at the end of the trail. I was folded over stretching and just rubbed my hands in the dirt as much as I could just to feel it again. This is the type of person I am. I am the type of person who is SO UPSET because the snowpack has been amazing in the mountains this last month and I can’t ski. I couldn’t go trail run up to my favorite spot to watch the sunset and alpenglow the crap out of the mountains tonight. Every day I imagine finding the most excellent spot to camp next to a rushing river and having chats with the universe when the sun goes down. Have you ever chatted with the universe? I did that for the first time when I went to Crater Lake in the fall while I was unbelievably depressed. I sat on a picnic table, stared up and talked to the stars. Turns out it is very therapeutic.

These are little victories but I am excited about them nonetheless. I have started to be able to recognize different plants/trees/shrubs/lichen. Whenever I am hiking or on a trail run I try to pay attention and identify as much as I can and recollect any details I have about them. I can also identify different types of clouds and what they mean as far as weather forecasting goes and also the reasoning behind their current formation. I can look at trees and know which way prevailing winds are and therefore what direction I am facing. This winter I started to get more familiar with snowfall/snowpack. I am a work in progress. Pete Fromm – the author of the book I mentioned was 45 when he wrote that book and his plethora of wilderness knowledge was built over the course of his lifetime but particularly started at the age of 18 when he moved to Montana. So, based on that I figure I’ll be knowledgeable enough to go live in a forest service cabin by myself for a month by the time I am 60. But, you know, it’s all good.

It has been amazing actually seeing spring here in Oregon. Last year at this time I was not in a good place and I left Oregon for my month hiatus after my travel contract ended. Being in a much better headspace, I have actually noticed spring here. It is honestly unreal. Beginning in February trees started to flower and it’s like it has been a two month concert of flowers. Every week a new color and new flower bloom somewhere. I feel like I am living in a fairyland. The last two weeks have been summer like and now all the trees are leafing and everything is so many different shades of green. I do feel lucky that I have been able to witness this show. I am hoping the lockdown does end by May because that will be just in time to head into the hills to see the wildflowers doing their thing.

That is really the only reason I wanted to write a blog post. The mountains were just so pretty today I could have cried. Speaking of crying – anyone else been doing a lot of that during lockdown? The other day, I cried watching a video of this cat named Duck. She only has her hind legs. Her front ones were amputated when she was super young but someone rescued her and it was too cute for my brain to handle. I showed it to Mandy and Chris and they cried too so I feel good about that. This morning I watched a video of a black bear climbing a tree in Yosemite and started tearing up. The bear just seemed so happy!! And then later this morning it started raining and I started crying because it made me think of sleeping in my tent listening to the weather and how that is all I want to be doing. The vulnerability is REAL right now and also a little bit hilarious.

Well. I wish I could real life chat with someone who would understand and be as psyched as I am about the outdoor things I just rambled on about but in the meantime throwing this post out into the world will have to do.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Sending some good vibes out there.

Yo. So I am sitting on my couch staring at the rain coming down. Today is my first of four days off. Since I have been reduced to hiking and trail running I had planned on hitting the trails once a day in the mountains to stay sane on my time off. But wouldn’t you know, yesterday as I was getting ready to leave work I saw the headline that all the state and national forests are now closed here. Like, they’ve actually shutdown the Columbia River Gorge, Gifford-Pinchot and Mount Hood National Forest. WHAT. The outdoors is closed. UNTIL MAY. DISTRAUGHT.

Yesterday I JUST had skins delivered for my skis so I could get out in the backcountry. I am supposed to go skinning next weekend. My ski instructor turned buddy ol’ pal (I’m trying to get him to adopt me as his student of the outdoors and so far it’s working) is taking me out for my first time backcountry skiing and I have been ecstatic. I am hoping he still wants to go – this guy was just over in Europe to do a month long ski tour in the Alps and literally fled Italy in the middle of the night to get out since the borders were closed. If this is any indication I think some skiing still might happen but we’ll see. Until then it looks like I will be wandering the neighborhood parks.

The moral of this story is that I’m bored and writing a blog post.

I hope everyone is holding up out there both physical and mental health wise. I think the mental health is going to hit harder for most of us than anything else. This is nuts dude. I have told a lot of you but living alone during a month(s) long quarantine and being an extremely social human is basically the worst. I sent my friend a meme the other day that said “introverts, put your books down and check on your extrovert friends, we are not ok.” SEND HELP. I am sooooo happy that I am “essential” (obviously) and have to go to the hospital for work because at least I get to interact with people and have a purpose. Also I am working and still getting a paycheck which I am thankful for on a daily basis right now. I will not have to worry about that at all probably ever. Very very thankful.

Oregon’s numbers are moving way slower than anticipated so work is actually dead. They definitely emptied out the hospital way too quick, not that anyone was able to predict which way this was going to go. It’s odd though. We are just sitting waiting for the “surge” to happen and it hasn’t so far. Considering we are sandwhiched in between Cali and Washington both of which have significant amount of cases – Washington more so – it feels strange that we are just chillin’. But they are predicting us to be in crisis mode in the next two weeks, so we’ll see what happens. I do much better in crisis mode. The more stressful things are the more calm I get and just get things done. I do not do well being anxiety ridden waiting for the storm to hit. So I am hoping we either get slammed or we start going back to “normal” procedures in the hospital in a few weeks. I actually feel guilty about us not being busy. I reached out to my travel nurse recruiter to see if I could help with crisis response up in Seattle. I’ve also gotten daily emails from NYC to see if I can help out there – I still have my license in NY from when I was supposed to move there and take the ER job. If I wasn’t on the other side of the country I would probably consider flying out there on my days off to help. Maybe I should check into that now that I type this outloud. What a weird time.

I’m going to veer off the virus path here and get back to regularly scheduled programming. Pretend things are normal for a second. Chat you guys up about life.

Since my New Year’s post I have done quite a bit, as per usual. I’d say it’s extremely obvious how obsessed with skiing I am. I am lucky to have seven days off every other week so I went 3 to 4 times during those days off. Early in the season I wanted to practice what I had learned last year and then have another session with John (my instructor) to have him critique me. Not interested in picking up bad form or bad habits. In February he and I went out and to my happy suprise he said everything looks amazing. On one of the runs he told me he could have taken a picture of me and it could have been put on a poster. SO basically I am going to the Olympics in 2022. Looking forward to bringin a gold home for the US of A. Thank you athleticism for helping a 33 year old girl out when learning to ski later in life. But now I’ll humble myself by telling you guys about going down a black diamond and a half pipe.

So, John and I were skiing along and he stopped me at one point and he showed me this drill he wanted me to do. I was to do very quick and short turns without edging my skis. So we went down a small hill doing this and then skiied on. We arrive at the top of a run and I just knew it was a black diamond. He stopped me at the top and he goes “ok you ready to tackle this!?” Doing what I do best I confidently said HECK YA. The run was super narrow and steep. We start going down and the first couple turns are ok – the snow was pretty much garbage on this run and there were a ton of moguls. Anyway on my 4th or 5th turn I got nervous and ate it. Well, it was steep enough that I just slid for a bit haha. I finally stopped myself with my skis and then I couldn’t get back up so poor John had to side step his way back up the hill to grab my arm and help me stand up. It was quite hilarious. He goes “I may have been too aggressive with this” – but in my stubbornness I got up and finished the rest of the run with no issues. Check off that black diamond. I am glad he was with me though. So I navigated that unscathed for the most part and we did a couple more runs through some trees so I could get used to skiing in powder. Turns out powder is hard to come by on Hood so I am trying to snatch it up any chance I get. I had been telling John how I was loving getting up to higher speeds and how I had been going off smaller “bumps” to do a little jumping. He quickly took this opportunity to ask me if I wanted to end by going down a natural half pipe. Off piste you can follow what is usually a stream and in winter it creates a half pipe. So I’m like YUP LET’S DO IT! I wish someone had been video taping me. John told me if I get going to fast to just go up the side and it will slow me down for obvious reasons. I start down the half pipe and make it half way through before I started going too fast, also the snow here was garbage as well and there were huge chunks of icey snow and huge snow boulders to navigate. I let myself go up the side to slow down and instead of turning I get to the top of one of the sides and just straight up faceplant right into the snow and proceed to slide face first down, lost a ski, couldn’t get back in my ski because we were going down hill and I was on ice. It was hilarious. I finally did get my ski on and made it down the rest of the pipe but the comedy was real.

Next order of business. The title of my blog. Sometime around December I felt like I wanted to at least go on some dates so as to avoid becoming a cat lady. Still not wanting anything serious I used good ol’ Tinder. Mainly because I did not want to put any effort whatsoever into being asked out – I just wanted dudes to message me, go on a date and call it a day. As it turns out I hate everyone. I would say I “swiped right” on probably one out of every 100 guys. No joke. Everyone is so lame, I can’t handle it. So I started going on some dates, I think in a two week span I went on like 10 dates. It must have been helpful with how picky I was because all of the dates with the exception of one were really awesome guys. Because they were all so awesome I have proceeded to hangout with a rotating crew of 6 or 7 guys at the same time. I don’t recommend. It’s exhausting trying to remember what conversations you had with whom. I’ve also invited some of these guys to do things with me and if one doesn’t answer quick enough I text the next guy leading to double booking on more than one occassion. So then I have to lie to the first guy because can you imagine showing up to a sound bath with 6 tinder dates. Yikes. In the last couple weeks I’ve decided it is too much work especially since I’m not romantically interested in any of them haha. So I’m letting some of these go by the wayside except the few that I’ve actually managed to establish good friendships with. I’m just going to meet someone in real life someday. But at least I got some friends and some dates out of this whole ordeal. One of the guys, actually most of them, are big into outdoors and climb and ski. So one of the guys I am definitely going to recruite to take me climbing this summer. And they’ve been useful when trying to navigate what gear to get for backcountry skiing. All good things. I have to say I love living in a place where first dates are climbing, hiking, going to a park etc. One guy who I was genuinely interested in and went on several dates with sings and plays the banjo in a bunch of bluegrass bands and our first date was me going to see him. Not too shabby. But turns out he is literally obsessed with climbing. Like one track mind type of thing and he told me if he could live anywhere it would be Bishop, CA. So that had to end. But it’s been good to somewhat get back into the game.

In January my mom called me one day and told me to pick a place, anywhere, and we would meet there for a birthday trip in March. I picked Santa Fe, New Mexico. I was just imaging the look on her face when I busted out that destination. But I had not done any exploring in the Southwest and wanted to check out a few things in NM, particularly the cliff dwellings of the Anasazi tribes. We had such a great trip there! Santa Fe is so adorable and it is settled in a bowl of mountains. Any direction you look there are mountains. It’s beautiful. The art scene there is huge so inbetween visiting archeological and geological sites we visited a bunch of galleries in town. The native american pottery is insane! It was extremely interesting to learn the methods in which they create their pottery. They do so without a wheel or any firing machine. It is all done completely by hand and then glazed by placing the pottery underneath huge piles of cow poop and lighting it on fire. The intricacies of the designs on the pottery are amazing as well. I wish I could afford a larger piece but even the smallest piece was about $200, and we are talking about something that is about two inches tall. And a lot of these native american families have been creating this pottery since the beginning of their time. It’s all very fascinating. I always love learning the cultural differences in our own country.

The food was also excellent. I had all these intentions of going down there and eating ALL the burritos. Turns out an intermittent fasting, vegan eating stomach can’t handle any of that. I managed to eat one burrito and that was on the last day only because I felt it was absolutely necessary before we left. But it was SO GOOD. Also, sopapillas. My goodness are these like pillows of heaven. I could have just had these the whole time and been happy but this is coming from someone who would live off bread if I could. You eat these with honey drizzled on them to tame the heat of the chiles. Hightly recommend a trip to NM. I want to go back to Taos someday to do both hiking and skiing. Plus I need to go back to make it to White Sands National Park. We had plans to go there but it was too far away. Put this state on your bucket list if you haven’t been!

Alright well this is probably absurdly long at this point. It looks like it may stop raining for a minute so I am going to try and go for a run. Depending on how long this quarantine lasts you may hear from me again.

I am supposed to go to Havasupai (look this up if you don’t know what it is, it looks amazing) to do that trek and camp in a month and I am still very hopeful but I’m pretty sure more likely than not it’ll be closed to us. I will actually cry because these permits are impossible to get. The only reason Casey and I actually got one is because my friend Mike here in pdx got two permits when the website messed up so we are going with him and his friend. Casey (my bff travel nurse friend) is doing an assignment in Phoenix so I’m hoping even if the reservation is closed that I can still get down there and then she and I are going to camp and hike in some southern Utah parks.

I’m also slated to climb and summit Mount St. Helens on Mother’s Day weekend with Adrienne and her friend Caitlin. And I’m supposed to go up to Squamish in Canada to climb for a week in July with a friend. So if this frappin’ virus ruins all these plans I’m going to be a sad panda. I’ll also probably weight 500 lbs if this continues because I’m being about 1/4 as active as I normally am and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve resorted to doing weightlifting with IV pumps at work and in an effort to attempt to keep any of my climbing strength I’ve been doing dead hangs from the hospital room doors. Great use of resources.

On that note, I am going to go for a run and then hit up the store. Speaking of being 500 lbs I decided to eat my feelings about not being able to recreate outdoors by making some muffins and a pan of brownies. I’ve been advised to watch Tiger King on Netflix. I have no idea what this is but based on the few photos I’ve seen I am thinking a pan of brownies and a dozen muffins will be needed while watching this show.

STAY SANE EVERYONE. AND HEALTHY. THAT TOO.

The title of this post is compliments of a meme I saw on Instagram one day. I have no idea who I owe the credit to but good work whoever you are! This very accurately and bluntly puts my thoughts on 2019 into a nutshell.

Before I begin my New Year’s montage I am going to briefly revisit my last blog post. It was sort of sad as I was feeling sort of sad. I can’t even believe what I’m about to write as it has almost been A YEAR since this relationship ended but here we are. Since the last post, Brad and I exchanged multiple words, and by words, I mean texts because he still refuses to speak to me. Anyway, our last exchange was like an epiphany for my brain. I won’t get into details because what is the point but what he said to me and the way he was “acting” was exactly what I needed. It confirmed that he literally has no idea what it means to have another person on the opposing end of a relationship. No empathy whatsoever. My brain felt like it was being unchained from almost a year of self destructive thought loops. I couldn’t believe the immediate relief I felt. I had eczema all over my hands since the day after we broke up. The morning after this exchange my eczema started to clear up and is now almost gone! I feel happier and the debilitating fatigue has evaporated. I genuinely smiled for the first time since January. I can actually pin point the exact moment I smiled and surprised myself because I realized it was a genuine smile. Kind of sad. I will continue to struggle with the emotional consequences of having something like that happen (compounded on top of how my last few relationships ended), the absolute mistrust I have for pretty much everybody right now and some serious low self esteem. BUT! Sweet, sweet relief. Thank goodness, because feeling that low for 11 months was awful.

So. It has been brought to my attention that a decade is coming to an end. A few weeks ago, I decided to write down some of my most memorable moments from the last ten years. Turns out, a lot happens in a decade. I managed to start and end a first career. Take a chance, quit my job with no notice and go back to school for nursing and my Master’s. I started and ended three serious relationships. Ran a marathon, multiple half marathons and a Ragnar. Moved away from the Midwest. Lived in four different states. Visited countless others. Traveled solo to a few countries and had company for a few others. Lost a grandmother. Watched most of my friends get married and have children. I learned how to ski. I learned how to rock climb. I learned how to be outside – a continuous work in progress but considering two years ago the most outdoor experience I had was walking through a forest preserve in Wisconsin I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Despite all of this, my most favorite moment of the decade can be traced back to 2014. In a nice little place called Sochi. It was the summer Olympics and Bob Costas managed to contract DOUBLE pink eye and carried on hosting the games with zero bothers. He could barely see, his eyes were constantly draining but he persevered. He even took a shot of vodka on live TV in hopes of it helping his situation. He eventually had to call it quits (or maybe the network made him get off TV) but my goodness it was glorious. I don’t even care how creepy it is, that event has provided me with so much entertainment that I keep a screenshot of Bob during this time on my phone so I can retrieve it at moments notice. And retrieve it I will. Thanks for the memories, Bob.

” …but feeling in my bones the emptiness of ease, knowing how reliably common actions lead to common results. I began traveling, I think, as a way of seeking identity, or at least of embracing the estrangement I felt from my native conditions.” This quote comes from Matthew Crompton. He is the author of a short story from the book The Soul of a Great Traveler. I highlighted this quote last year as I was making my way through the text. It perfectly articulates how I feel about never leaving a place, never learning more and never understanding the vastness of the world. My second favorite moment of this decade, and probably will remain one of my favorite lifetime memories, is my decision to solo travel to Vietnam. This trip was planned with another person and when that fell through I cancelled my flight. Months went by and I began to consider how can I let this opportunity pass when it is a place I have wanted to visit for so long? Why couldn’t I go just because I had no one to go with? The idea morphed into a goal I just needed to do for myself. I wanted this cultural experience, to be able to plan it myself and to be safe. The trip is something I will never really be able to describe to anyone – although easier to those who have been to Vietnam. But it was one of my greatest accomplishments so far. Much to my family’s dismay, it also happened to be the catalyst to my now never ending solo adventures. The confidence and knowledge I inherited from traveling solo to a country where I could not speak the language and is so unique culturally is something I will never take for granted. A few weeks ago one of my patients, after listening to my travel stories, told me “you know you are a rare one, right? Don’t ever lose your independence.” She then asked if I ever wanted to get married or have a life partner. I told her there is honestly nothing I would love more than to have my person to share all this with. But I told her I also refuse to let these opportunities escape me just because I do not have that person yet. I’ve said it a million times but I wish everyone could have the courage to travel solo, even just once, even if it is just to another state. With that I end this favorite moment with an Anthony Bourdain quote that I also keep on my phone as it is the epitome of how I feel about traveling and immersing yourself into another culture. “If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food, it’s a plus for everybody. Open your mind, get up off the couch, move.”

My third favorite decade moment was my decision to throw caution to the wind, quit my job and go back to school for nursing. I did this unknowing if I would even like nursing. Turns out it was one of the best decisions I made and, aside from the crippling student loan debt I now have from two degrees, I could not be happier with my career path. I enjoy it so much that I am planning on going back in the next year or two for my DNP. However, career happiness aside, I will be forever grateful for the group of friends I came away with from this program. I am unsure what higher being decided to put a bunch of weirdos together in a graduate program but some of my most favorite people and best friends resulted from those three years. In addition, I have been gifted the opportunity to do what I love while traveling and getting paid to do so. I was able to see so much of this vast, beautiful country in the last couple of years. Through traveling I have had the pleasure of building friendships all over the US, something I find so unique and fun. So, without further ado – I end this moment with one of my favorite photos from graduation night, with a few of my favorite people, outside our favorite Milwaukee bar. 🙂

The following are a few other decade favorites that I wrote down but will not elaborate on and in no particular order:

1. finishing a marathon 2. TBOX (only the few people who were there in 2013 with me will understand the absolute hot mess of a day this was, but it was probably one of the funniest days/nights)

3. Cubs World Series win and being in Chicago at Murphy’s Bleachers. I have pretty much fallen off the sports train since moving away but this night was just the best. Not solely because of the win but because of the experience with the entire city of Chicago. 4. Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center in NYC. This had been on my bucket list FOREVER and I am so happy to have seen it in person last year. 5. Mountain Goats. Honestly I can’t get enough of these furballs. I also keep a screenshot of a mountain goat on my phone. I’m a loser. I know. 6. Moving out of the Midwest and discovering the mountains. I’m obsessed (as you can all tell from my photos) and I’m pretty sure there is no turning back. So much fun! Endless learning opportunities! 🙂

As far as 2019 is concerned…despite the fact that I was probably depressed 11 of the 12 months I had quite a year as far as travel and learning goes. Most of you have all seen my photos so I will not rehash it now but, once again, I have managed to be humbled by another year of beauty and transformative experiences. This not only includes my adventures out in the wilderness but also those in other countries, states and the amazing humans in my life. I did not do much writing in 2019 and most of my photos are of the outdoors so following are a plethora of pictures taken doing some pretty awesome things with the people I love

Bill Giebler wrote in his short story The Tea in Me – “But presence, a simple word and a simple act (or non-act), is so difficult to achieve – all the more so when palpably dissatisfied and restless.” At this point it is no secret that I am not enamored with Portland. Although I have come to gather several very good friends and for them I am very thankful. However, in addition to the emotional tangled mess I was/am working through the ever present feeling that I am an outsider here has certainly taken it’s toll. I have tried everything under the sun to be present this year and to say I have failed miserably is an understatement. I can honestly say the only time I am ever truly, absolutely present at this time in my life is when I am climbing. It is an ever welcomed respite. That being said, with my brain now being unchained I have been able to appreciate the PNW a little more and am continuing therapy to slowly but surely capture my old self back. I will gladly be slamming the door on 2019 and so look forward to ALL the adventures 2020 can throw at my face!

As always, I encourage everyone to step the fuck outside their comfort zones this year and go do something great. Set a goal and for the love of god achieve it. Also, go learn something new. I mean really learn it. Not from your phone or computer but go out into this absurdly colossal world, to far-flung corners of this earth and fully absorb all the crazy knowledge everybody and everything is offering up!

See you guys in 2020.

Since moving to Portland I have not been keeping up with my blog. I sort of lost the joy and excitement of writing the posts. I am unsure when, or even if, the want to write on a consistant basis will return but I am hoping it finds its way back sometime soon.

Throughout all my blog posts I have maintained a level of transparency. I told myself I would do this while writing in an effort to keep my mind open but also to fully portray how my life is going away from home. Speaking of which, I can not believe that come January it will be two years since I left the midwest already. Time, man. It is a crazy thing.

About three or four weeks ago something happened that brought forth some sort of epiphany. Oddly, I can’t even remember what was going on at this moment I just remember the feeling. I think it was when I was in Olympic National Park. I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness (more so than I have been experiencing the last eight months) and realized how exhausted I felt. Whatever this moment was it was like my own body and mind were shaking me telling me to listen to myself. At this point, it is almost as if every feeling and thought that I had been ignoring since January decided to flood in and take up residence in my entire body and soul.

Since that moment not a day or minute goes by that I do not feel almost debilitatingly fatigued. I wake up every morning, open my eyes and my immediate first thought is that I can not wait to go back to sleep. There is a lingering sadness that no matter how many tears I cry, hills I run, walls I climb or veggies I eat, it will not go away. I go to work or go out socially and feel so sad because I am not being myself and it makes me sad to think that people are seeing such a weird version of me. Actually, they have probably been seeing a weird version of me since January I just didn’t necessarily think about it. And I have this gnawing pain in the center of my chest. If I take a deep breath it alleviates it for about a minute but otherwise it is always there (anxiety?).

So, at that moment in Olympic National Park I came to the realization that I may be depressed. I am unsure because I have literally never felt this way but I think it might some version of depression, or something. Either way, it’s the most unwelcoming and uncomfortable experience. I honestly can not imagine those who work through these kinds of issues on a daily basis for life. For me, I think – eh, I know, this all started in January and since then has sort of spiraled downwards and taken on a life of its own. Since January I have been working my three days and then immediately leaving Portland to go explore. In a completely healthy state of mind I would probably have done this as well but this time it was both for pleasure and an escape. I realized I was trying to escape back in July, a month or so before I realized everything else.

I do not like Portland. Actually, I do not like Oregon. As a place to visit it is beautiful but I don’t belong here. I am about 100% sure I am having extreme difficulty transitioning to a “permanent” lifestyle from the travel nurse lifestyle. Even though I only traveled for a year and a half I was moving every three months and exploring all these places, going to a new country every three or four months and now here I am staying put in a place I do not feel home. Though this place is temporary as well it is still a transition that I think I am not handling well – based on the fact that I work and run. As dumb as this may seem I am still grappling with the idea that someone left my life with no conclusion and clearly no remorse or need to take another person’s feelings into consideration. I forced myself to go on a date and hated every minute of it so that was the end of that. The thought of putting any of my trust or energy back into another person and having the same thing happen is terrifying. I look at myself and it is like I don’t even know who I am. I look terrible, my eyes look distant and I have constant dark circles. I don’t really remember the last time I smiled or laughed and truly, genuinely meant it.

So, I have been forcing myself to workout, forcing myself to get back into meditation, forcing myself to eat strictly healthy (except today when my friends and I are doing our own Oktoberfest) and forcing myself to be social. None of this is helping at all. So I have now forced myself to find a therapist. And also a primary care doctor in hopes of chalking all of this up to a bunch of lousy B12 and iron labs. The latter is probably not the case or at least not the entire reason but a girl can hope.

I went to a sound bath last night. This was my second one and I absolutley love them, highly recommend them to anyone even those that are happy and do not have anything to work through. They are amazing. I woke up this morning feeling the need to write all this and force myself to be transparent with this as well. It was easier being transparent with relationship difficulties etc but this was the hardest. Most likely because it took me eight months to even be fully transparent with myself.

Despite all this I have had an AMAZING summer of exploring the PNW. I have seen so many beautiful places and was able to do a few thru hikes that I wanted to check off my list. I managed to do some climbing outside. Hike to a few peaks and hit up three National Parks. Finally made a few friends (who by the way if any of you Oregon people read this for whatever reason – you all are great, this whole depression is a personal issue :)). Anyway, I have done some great things but as this god forsaken rainy season starts I am going to try to hunker down with a therapist and filter through all this emotional garbage, try to dig myself out of this depression or whatever it is and come out on the other end. Hopefully sooner rather than later I will be my happy self again. It is honestly emotionally draining being a downer. People keep asking me why I don’t move out of Portland/Oregon. I feel like I need to be more stable before I decide where I truly want to end up. I have a feeling of where I want to go but a lot can happen between depression and happiness. So who knows.

Alright. That is enough. Felt therapeutic to type all this out though. I have a farmers market to hit up. The mountains are getting snow right now and I’m very excited because I am heading down to Crater Lake tomorrow or Monday. So I am looking forward to seeing it with snow. Also hopefully this means a good ski season – I need all the practice.

Catch you guys later.

For whatever reason I got back to Portland from Montana this afternoon and have felt compelled to write a blog post. I have not done so since February I believe.

A lot has happened since then but mainly, I think, I wanted to archive my thoughts on The Beaten Path thru hike. This was my first thru hike and though it was only three days (and some people run this in a day – clearly this is not to enjoy the beauty of it) there was a lot to take away.

The mental aspect, trail comradery and excitement of accomplishment is similar to what I have experienced when running a marathon, half marathons and the Ragnar. Amanda and I hiked this from the Cooke City side to East Rosebud. We only encountered two other groups along the way but we all ended up kind of leap frogging each other the entire time so we became friendly with each other and chatted throughout the hike. We all ended up finishing around the same time as well and celebrated at The Grizzly Bar in Roscoe. I love, love this bar! Anyway, it was so fun how the trail friendships were encouraging and something to look forward to along the way. I love the culture of anything physically and or mentally challenging. We are all just out to help each other and share the excitement/misery of doing something we all enjoy so much. Particularly this type of recreation. Everyone is so psyched to be in a beautiful place and soak up everything the wilderness has to offer. The last night on the trail we camped at Rainbow Lake. Amanda had some TERRIBLE blisters and was pretty miserable by the time we got to camp. We threw our stuff down and I strolled down to the stream to replenish our water. In the meantime, there was a group of gentlemen camping a little ways away from us and one of the guys just walked up and asked if we wanted help setting up. He also ended up giving Amanda a whole bunch of goodies to help remedy her feet. Things like this.

Another thought on this culture. For this thru hike it is pretty common to try to key swap with someone at the beginning of or in the middle of the hike. This way once you get to the end of the trail your car is waiting for you and you can just drive home. Amanda and I were discussing how odd this must sound to people who are not used to this. I ended up finding a girl to swap keys with on the AllTrails app. She had left her email on the app, I contacted her and we called each other up to make a plan. We ended up meeting at a gas station and she took Amanda’s car to East Rosebud and we took her car to Cooke City. It is kind of a funny concept to think of two completely random humans giving each other their cars with the trust that this will be fine. Of course it was fine and it was fun to run into her on the trail coming from the opposite direction. She left us water and snacks in Amanda’s car too for a celebratory treat. SO nice!

I guess the point in all of this is that it is nice to be reminded again that people are inherently good. I particularly appreciate this given my doubt about everything and everyone lately. I am constantly happy that I decided to pursue this type of lifestyle and be a part of this culture. I think people are inherently good no matter what or where you are but I was just reminded of it this week during our thru hike in the wilderness. Amanda and I were sitting in the dirt with 100 mosquitos on us covered in sweat and blood and whatever else and we just kept saying how happy we were. It really is the best. And of course I was and always am so so happy to be back in Montana. I love it.

I guess that’s all.

Quick update. I mentioned back in February that I was going skiing – I did learn how to ski and I LOVE it. I am going to buy my own for this season and get a pass so I can go as much as possible on my off days. My instructor asked me what my ultimate goal was and I told him I would love to get to a point where I can backcountry ski. After a few lessons he told me I am so athletic that I would be skiing the whole mountain and backcountry ski by next year aka this upcoming winter (unsure I am that confident but it is nice to hear that he has that confidence in me). I also love my instructor. He has to be in his late 50s/early 60s. He is originally from Maine and moved to Hood River. He is a mountaineer so it has been so fun learning from him! Aside from teaching me how to ski he has taught me a lot about reading the weather and the snow. I try to soak it all up to use in my own adventures.

I also mentioned pursuing rock climbing back in February after having tried it in January. I have continued to climb and I also love it. I have gotten into a routine of bouldering a few times a week and top roping a few times a week. When I first started back in winter someone told me they have never done something so meditative. This is honestly the best way to describe this sport. I have not been in a good place the last several months and when I go climb it is literally the only thing I focus on because you have to – there is not room to ponder other thoughts. SO, meditative it has been and it has helped me a lot. It is also extremely satisfying to have something that requires so much mental and physical effort. I have developed so much strength and recognize myself improving. The girl that I have been climbing with the past few months is similar skill level to me so that has been great. We are headed outdoors next weekend and we are both SO excited. I have been itching to climb outside so I can’t wait! If you told me 6 months ago that I would belong to a climbing gym and even be typing any of this I would have laughed. Never say never I suppose.

I’ve also picked up trail running more since being out here. My knee seems to be improving so I am hoping that I will be able to do longer distances in the future. But it has been fun (type 2 fun) struggling up the hills and also seeing improvement this way. The last two times I have been in Montana I have not had any issues with altitude. This is crazy because last year when I was living there I would get nauseous almost immediately when going high. I don’t know if my body is more regulated from working days or if I am in better overall shape or if it is a combination of both but I am SO happy about this. To be able to climb at altitude and not want to throw up has been so great!

Unsure when I will post next. I have not been feeling it but this seemed right. Going to keep rolling with the punches over here in the upper left. I keep trying to like Portland/PNW and it is just not happening. But I am enjoying exploring, it really is beautiful out here and it has helped to meet some good people. I just do not feel like I belong and I do not feel home. After Belize though I made myself come back with a more positive attitude and to embrace this place for a little bit. So! It’s all good! I am probably going back off social media for awhile in the next couple weeks. I have found myself doing exactly what I said I did not want to do in my last post.

Happy Summer.

Charles told me, when that whole thing was coming to an end, that I was one of the purest people he had ever known. I never quite understood what he meant but had hoped that was a well intended comment. I think, maybe, I now understand.

The problem I have is no matter the person I genuinely like to think all people are good. This is not something I conciously do but more so that I don’t understand how a person can manipulate, decieve or do harm to someone else and not be bothered by it or care that they are hurting someone. I am pretty much a what you see is what you get type of girl. I don’t really play games and I am fairly blunt as far as what kind of person I am and typically, what I say is actually what I mean. Only after I am manipulated, decieved or hurt do I look back and realize that the whole time I just saw the good.

A month ago Brad facetimed me and gave me a bunch of incredibly irrational reasons as to why he thinks this relationship isn’t going to work. This was literally out of nowhere. I had just spent the holidays there and then he drove with me to Portland and we had a nice time etc. So he calls me and throws all this at me, I would say something in response and he pretty much dismissed anything I had to say and instead told me what I was feeling/thinking. He told me twice through the conversation that he needs to think about some things and maybe a little time would help. It got to a point where I was frustrated because he wasn’t listening to me so I told him I did not know what else to say and that he could go to bed if he wanted. Literally without saying a single word – no conclusion, no “I’ll talk to you at such and such time.” – and without even looking at me he leaned over and hung up. He didn’t even look at me, he was staring down and just hung up on me. And he has not talked to me since and ignored me when I tried to plan to fly out for an actual adult in person conversation.

To say I am devestated would be an understatement. In my last blog post I had talked about meeting the greatest person I’ve ever known. Here I am spending the better part of a year bopping around all happy and believing this person is a good human. I mean what an idiot I am. It is honestly beyond my comprehension how someone can do this to another person. How do you have an insanely great relationship and then not even have the respect or decency to talk it out or give my thoughts or feelings any consideration. Even if we had a face to face conversation and the outcome was the same, at least I would have been given the respect, the chance and possibly a conclusion. Instead I basically just got ghosted by my own boyfriend. This is probably one of, if not the meanest things anyone has ever done to me.

So this whole “pure” quality, I am feeling anger and resentment towards my self. I don’t know if you can resent yourself but that’s where I’m at. I had pretty much assumed I would be moving to Bozeman after this assignment. With or without Brad I am tired of moving right now and I think in light of what has happened it is probably best for me to stay put for a minute somewhere. I am attempting to just stay in Portland for a little bit. Survival mode kicked in and I can stay here and save some money until I decide what I want to do. I’m not really sold on Portland but I’ve got a lot of things I still want to learn mountaineering wise and there are so many groups and activities geared towards that since the mountains are close. So I figure I’ll save money and learn all the things I want to learn and try to figure out where I want to go.

I went rock climbing with a friend a few weeks ago and actually enjoyed it. It was challenging both physically and mentally. It’s like a game trying to figure out what to look for and how to climb the routes and I liked that. So I am actually taking lessons in a gym this week and will start practicing that a little more. The irony of this situation is unreal but whatever. It will be helpful in the long run anyway with being in the mountains. I’m finally taking down hill ski lessons this week as well by Mount Hood now that the Cascades got dumped on this weekend.

Anyway, I am going to disappear for a while as far as social media and things go. I feel pretty broken and defeated and I need to try to reset without the social anxiety that stuff brings. In addition to the fact that I do not want to end up spending absurd amounts of time on IG dwelling over everything when I should be doing healthier things. I am trying to train to climb a 14er this summer so I am working on doing all the physical activity to somewhat prepare myself. The one nice thing about being stubborn. I was told that we can’t bridge any gaps as far as outdoor recreation goes. Despite the fact that I moved out of the midwest to pursue this sort of lifestyle, have spent the last year learning, practicing and plan on continuing to do so. But clearly I am incapable of understanding the joys that come from such activity.

Before I sign off. I do have to say that I completely recognize the fact that my life is good and I have the best people in it. On more than one occasion I had friends literally book a flight and fly out here within hours of finding out what happened. They came out to keep me company and distract me. I am extremely humbled by this and still can’t even believe how amazing that is. My mom just visited as well. For all of this I am eternally grateful. That all being said, I haven’t really told anyone about what happened because I didn’t even know what was happening. I’d say after a month of silence it’s safe to assume.

Catch you guys on the flip side.

I can’t even imagine how many humans out in this universe are using this poem to decribe their year but I am alright with being one of them. This book (Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur) helped me through a whole heap of feelings this last year. Feelings ranging from extremely sad to absolute joy. Luckily, the joy far outweighed the sadness. This poem is the basis for my sappy recap of 2018.

It has literally been one of the greatest and most difficult years of my life. In December last year when I made the final move to start travel nursing I was in a fairly low point. I decided to start traveling both because I had been trying to move out of the Midwest for eight years and because I was trying to escape. This was putting me far, far outside my comfort zone as I left my family and friends, who had become family, to start traveling solo. Mary Oliver wrote “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. ” It only took me about nine months to realize the gift I was given and I could not be happier about it.

I did learn that everything is temporary. I learned this in every sense of the meaning. I lived my life in three month increments creating an extremely temporary lifestyle. I am fairly easy going as it is but the way and time frame in which I have had to learn to adapt has been quite an experience. I am so thankful for all the good people in this world that took me in and allowed me to be a temporary friend in each of these assignments. It shed light on the fact that there really must be more good out there than bad and that is comforting to me.

I had so, so, so many moments of feeling sad and wondering what I was doing with my life. At the beginning and end of each assignment I have gone through an internal struggle trying to reflect on why I am doing this solo travel gig. These feelings were extremely temporary. For that I am thankful. All it took was one walk outside to see that the ocean was right outside my door, one hike in the rocky mountains or one warm day with flowers blooming in February to make me realize why I started this. The feelings of joy took over pretty darn quick 🙂

The idea of vulnerability to me was terrifying. It has always been terrifying. I have spent my whole life hiding what I am actually feeling or thinking purely because I have always been afraid of failing. I do not know why I am like this but this is how I’ve spent my life. I was always pretty decent at school without having to try hard and was always very naturally athletic, also without having to try hard. Things seemed to come pretty easy but if something wasn’t I would essentially shut down to hide my vulnerability. In December last year, I was told that I act like a lion but am really a kitten. I decided to actually take this to heart and reflect on some past things and came upon the realization that this is actually quite true. I decided at that moment to allow myself to feel emotions and also to display them (hence the crying at the airport). I started learning how to meditate and started practicing yoga a little more often in an effort to open my mind and my soul a little. With this new found ability to be open I am happy to report that I have failed more times this year than I ever have in my life. I failed every day at something different or even maybe the same thing but I failed nonetheless. However, this means that I have never, ever learned as much as I have this past year. My brain is actually exhausted from everything I’ve experienced and I think this is a really good thing. Allowing myself to be open and vulnerable is still a work in progress and probably always will be as it is natural to me to box things up and act stronger than I feel but at least I FINALLY came to realize what everyone has been telling me for 31 years.

Love. The vulnerability lesson opened me up to allowing someone in my life that I never saw coming. In fact, I was pretty set on doing my own thing for a long time. Turns out the universe decided to throw the greatest person I’ve ever known into my life in May. I’m actually crying as I’m typing this because he makes me so happy. Also, I’m glad he’s not home right now to see this. We were both at an interesting point in our lives and somehow decided to take a chance and see what happens. Eight months later here we are laughing a lot, learning a lot and adventuring a lot. There literally are not enough words to describe how lucky I feel to have met Brad and to have him in my life. I’ve learned so much from him it is insane. I learn from him every day and I can’t wait for everything that is to come.

Making friends out of strangers has become my specialty over the last year. I have been extremely fortunate to have met a handful of awesome friends along the way this year. I’m thankful for the travel nurse community. It makes sense that travel nurses sort of stick together. After all I’m sure it does take a certain kind of person to vagabond your way through a profession. That being said I am so lucky for all the awesome poeple that have entered my life and made a strange place, a new job and a (sometimes) lonely lifestyle feel so natural and comfortable. I’m also exceptionally lucky to have the best family and friends from home supporting me along the way. It has been so wonderful at times when I’ve felt alone. Never underestimate a solid support system that’s for sure.

I have been pondering this post for months as I have been reflecting on everything new I have done this year. It is probably impossible to list everything, or at least list everything I have done without losing your attention. When I was home last week my mom said she had been listening to a radio station and they asked the listeners what their top accomplishment was for the last year. I thought this was a really cool idea. It could be anything from small to big. With that idea in mind here are some of what I feel most proud of accomplishing this year:

• Getting the gumption to pack up and leave everything and everyone I’m comfortable with to pursue the unknown by myself.
• Traveling solo to Vietnam. This will forever be an experience I look back on as extremely life changing in a very positive way.
• Climbing to my first “real” peak. My body hates altitude. I felt like vomiting the entire time we were doing this but I made it. That being said, I need to learn how to deal with altitude considering I like mountains.
• Learning to be in the outdoors. Like, actual wilderness, not a forest preserve – this is a major work in progress but I learned enough while I was in Montana to be able to safely hike by myself in the White Mountains in New Hampshire.
• Hiking safely by myself! I have always loved being outside and I have always known I wanted to learn how to be outside and I couldn’t be happier about actually doing it!
• Allowing myself to cry. A lot. This sounds dumb but as stated before I’ve spent my whole life keeping things in. Flood gates are open, folks.
• Last but not least. I’m very proud of constantly putting myself outside my comfort zone and being open to all these new experiences that lead me to all my favorite accomplishments!

I hope all of you have some big and small accomplishments that you are proud of and as always, I highly recommend putting yourself outside your comfort zone as much as you can in 2019. So, here I sit in Portland, Oregon about to start what will most likely be my last travel assignment. While I encourage everyone to push the limits of their comfort this year, I very much look forward to finding a comfort zone and staying put for a while come April or May. We will see what happens.

Happiest of New Years to you all!

Cheers!